Authors Note:
This post was first published on myspace and boy did it get me some grief...a girl that I had just dated saw some of the stuff that I wrote in this and realized it applied to her. She sent me a rude email that I still to this day have not read!
I mean why should I read an email telling me that I am an asshole? What more could it possibly hold within it that was pertinent other than "You're an asshole'?
If you are interested in finding out what it said I will post the email at the bottom.
Originally posted on myspace May 11, 2009
Sex-Ed:
So for the last few months my good friend Jennifer has been in town an we've had plenty of time to bitch about dating (and trying to get action) as 30 somethings. So here is a short "pointers" list for the guys and gals. Memorize this and maybe on your next date you'll get a second.
For the guys:
*Don't try to put the girls legs behind their head. It is not recommended but if you do, slyly stretch her legs first. How you can pull this off without looking like a wierdo I don't know.
* while on top do not lace your hands together behind their heads to get more leverage.
*Appearantly your only supposed to "swirl" your penis only at full penetration. Appearantly at half penetration it is not so good. I say that if you can remember to twist it in the middle of doing it...props to you homeboy...
*I would think this should go without saying, but ask before attempting anal. This should go for girls as well...do not put a finger in there unless we tell you to.
*Guys, they seem to like "normal" sex the first time, no special moves. Trying what worked on your ex may not work on the next one.
* and if your dating Jennifer for "fucks sake" bring icing.
Now the ladies:
*This is very important... girls... if you touch a man's penis (unless you’re a medical doctor) you are expected to finish the job. FINISH WHAT YOU START!!!
*Any reasons for not following thru with the deed should be mentioned before commencement of all sexual festivities. Not warning us that aunt flo is visiting for the week is a NO NO! Unless we know you well enough to know your cycle for fucks sake tell us before the loss of clothes...and if you touch IT finish what you started!
*If the guy has a nice dick, then tell him about it. It's nice to hear. If you don't complement it we may wonder what kind of donkey freaks, gang bangs, or cucumbers you may have fucked in the past. Now if the guy has a lame one then don't complement it, as he will know your full of shit or lamer than he is.
* Know when to leave. Unless we REALLY like you, we really don’t want you to hang around. no offense but get out. We'll let you know if we want you to stay.
Now, I hope we all understand now what the other side wants a little more, so get out there and start fucking!
UPDATE # 1:
Guys! Jesus Christ, wear a condom! I don't care if it doesn't feel as good. If you don't know the chick wears a fucking condom! I mean do you know who jizzed in that thing before you? Seriously I don't want genital warts or gonorrhea or whatever because you couldn’t wear a fucking condom and down the road we banged the same chick. You don't even know if she is fertile! You could have a kid with some nasty whore! IDIOT!
If I was going to bang a chick and she told me I didn't have to wear one I'd say no thanks. Honestly.
Girls! This involves the guy coming. Speaking... orally...Now I am not all guys but personally I don't care where it goes after it leaves me. As long as you make me come I don't care if it goes in your mouth, sheets, curtains, nostrils whatever. I just don't want it on me, so aim it AWAY from the guy. And on swallowing...you know you CAN get stuff from that right? I know I told you to go all out but really is doing it a second time worth a mouth full of AIDS laden Jizz?
UPDATE #2:
*NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU
*don't talk about your ex- (girls and guys)
* don't play music during unless both of you want to hear it. And for the love of god playing Kid rocks newest album on loop is torture
* When the guy (girl) says he has to go to work the next morning let him/her leave and stop yapping about whatever...let’s say Burning Man...who the fuck cares?
*If the guy puts in the work to give you multiples and you all of a sudden don't want to let him work on #2...you suck
*This goes for both...wash down town
*sometimes a guy has to fart...sorry
*Not everything you see on porn should be done in real life. I think this goes more for the guys than the girls.
*Dutch ovens are funny...only if the guy does it to the girl.
*Don't critique the guy/girls place afterwards.
*girls...toys intimidate guys at first, beware
Authors Note:
Really...this shit applies to everyone as far as I am concerned. And believe it or not but I have had sexual congress (Senate and House) with more than one woman before. But bitches want to think they are the center of the world. So this girl I had dated a bit before I wrote that emailed me thinking that everything that I wrote was about her. Some was, but damn...she thought everything was about her. So I then get this long butt hurt email:
" I read your Sex Ed piece, and whated to let you know that your a fucking asshole! I feel like all of those things that you posted were about me, which is insulting, rude, and really fucking hurtful.
* As for Aunt Flo coming to visit, and me not telling you. That was a lie, I tried telling you earlier, no I didn't scream out "stop! I'm on the rag!" I was trying to be a little bit more tactful, aparently YOU missed that.
* Maybe what you really want in life is a freak and a whore- thats all you ever fucking talk about on your FB and Myspace page. But if you want someone other than a slut, then your expectations for sex are way off base. We don't want to fuck you when we first meet you. Sex for the majority of women is emotional- feeling connected, feeling cared for. And most women, while they may like to have sex like a rodeo freak show, they will not when they first start sleeping with someone, especially if they want to see them again. Because we want your first impressions of us to have more substance that "man, she was a good fuck!" So fuck your audition!
* Also on this same line... The night I had my period I actually thought about sucking your dick to get you off, but then I also remembered you telling me earlier that night that you didn't eat pussy either. So don't expect me to do something you won't do!
* I have talked to several male friends after our discussion of "you didn't tell me I had a nice dick." NONE of the men I've asked about this have agreed with you! In fact the general concensus from men, is that your insecure!
* And finally for my favorite is about you bitching about me not leaving. Your a dick! Did it ever cross your mind that I'm living with a family, and that I have to be respectful of their needs. The 2 Sat nights that I stayed at your house, I intentionally waited till about 4am Because ***** is an extreamly light sleeper- and an exceptionally grumpy son of a bitch when he wakes up, and he leaves for work on Sat's at 4am, and ***** is a awake then too, so by not leaving your house until then I didn't wake up the entire house. Also, the last time I saw you if i remember correctly: I had been at a kids b-day party all day, I came over we had sex, and I fell asleep on your couch- I'm sorry about that- really, my fucking bad, but you didn't have to be a complete and utter asshole to post that shit!
* I didn't post all the mean things I thought about you! "
* Maybe what you really want in life is a freak and a whore- thats all you ever fucking talk about on your FB and Myspace page. But if you want someone other than a slut, then your expectations for sex are way off base. We don't want to fuck you when we first meet you. Sex for the majority of women is emotional- feeling connected, feeling cared for. And most women, while they may like to have sex like a rodeo freak show, they will not when they first start sleeping with someone, especially if they want to see them again. Because we want your first impressions of us to have more substance that "man, she was a good fuck!" So fuck your audition!
* Also on this same line... The night I had my period I actually thought about sucking your dick to get you off, but then I also remembered you telling me earlier that night that you didn't eat pussy either. So don't expect me to do something you won't do!
* I have talked to several male friends after our discussion of "you didn't tell me I had a nice dick." NONE of the men I've asked about this have agreed with you! In fact the general concensus from men, is that your insecure!
* And finally for my favorite is about you bitching about me not leaving. Your a dick! Did it ever cross your mind that I'm living with a family, and that I have to be respectful of their needs. The 2 Sat nights that I stayed at your house, I intentionally waited till about 4am Because ***** is an extreamly light sleeper- and an exceptionally grumpy son of a bitch when he wakes up, and he leaves for work on Sat's at 4am, and ***** is a awake then too, so by not leaving your house until then I didn't wake up the entire house. Also, the last time I saw you if i remember correctly: I had been at a kids b-day party all day, I came over we had sex, and I fell asleep on your couch- I'm sorry about that- really, my fucking bad, but you didn't have to be a complete and utter asshole to post that shit!
* I didn't post all the mean things I thought about you! "
Sent May 21, 2009
Authors Note:
Like I said earlier...this is the fisrt time I have EVER read this email. My answer...what ever. The funny thing is a year later she emailed me again and we became friends again...nothing ever happened but there is more to the story unfortunately. Needless to say there was another fall out, every thing is about her and I am still a complete ass.
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