Monday, August 11, 2014

My Musings On Robin Williams

I Fucking Killed Myself!!! Look At ME!!!!
Dear world:
Someone that used to be cool is dead. Wait. No. He killed himself.
How many fucks do I have to give for people that kill their selves? Let me look in my fuck bag...

Nope...only one left and I am saving it. Suicide is the most selfish thing one can do. Of all the people that I have known that have killed their selves they have done it to punish someone else. 

Now if you honestly just don't give a fuck anymore and you're done, then... you  know. Bon fucking voyage. Glad you escaped the pain.

But honestly. You are a beloved figure. You have a trophy wife. Shit tons of money. Honestly... how fucking bad can your life be?

Thursday, March 6, 2014

When I Am President... Yoga Pants

When I am president... it will be legal to pinch or slap the ass of any woman wearing tights or yoga pants in public. 

BUT... you must say "nice ass" after doing so. 

Exchange of contact info is optional.

Dear World of Porn:



Dear world of Porn:

If your going to film a new girl... how about shaving her fucking arms?
The cooch has been shaved but you couldn't take an extra 5 minutes to shave her fucking man forearms?
#cantwanktothat

When I Am President... Urinals

When I'm President... I will require ever mens bathroom to have at least one urinal and one toilet. This law is the fault of you pussy whipped men that have to leave the seat down. You fucking pussies.

Because of you assholes I have to touch a the toilet seat (that has your ass on it and is inches away from piss and shit) and then my dick. Fuck you assholes for that. Because of you everyone has to pay. Now get ready to put in some fucking urinals.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Why I Hate "The Onion"

Whenever I see that one of my friends has posted a link from The Onion, my opinion of that person goes down. I am not talking about the onion that you cut up and put in food, I am talking about the lame website that writes articles which people call "satire".

The Onion first became the bane of my existence a few years ago when I first started writing satire, first at Christwire, then The Daily Bleach, and now National Report. Everyone has to say that if you write satire then it must be like The Onion.

NO. The Onion sucks. 

People like The Onion because it is safe... and secure... everyone hates to look like a fool. That's why everyone likes The Onion... because people are stupid. Everyone knows The Onion is not real, so they like it. They feel smug and superior in the fact that someone wrote fake news and they knew it was fake. "Look at me! I am so god damned smart. I can see through your clever facade".

OH... but the fun comes along when you test people. Everyone knows The Onion is fake, but what about other sites? Are you smart enough to to really question something more cleverly written. It sounds real. It looks real. I think it's real. IT IS REAL. I KNOW IT!

Oh no it isn't. 

People fall for satire because they want it to be real. They want to look at someone and say "look at this jack ass. I hate that jackass, this jackass has done something so stupid". It amazed me while I was at christwire the stupid shit that people would actually believe. We could write just insane stupid shit and we would think, no one will believe this. But they did...because they wanted to believe that we believed it.

I remember a friend actually wrote an article saying that we should blow up the moon. It was huge. People hate Christians so much they want Christians to be so stupid as to actually believe that we should blow up the moon. No one is that stupid. Except for the people that fall for it.

And that is what real satire is about. Poking fun at stupid people, and outing morons. I remember reading about Machiavelli's "The Prince" in school. Hundreds of years later and people still aren't sure if it was written seriously or as satire. 

OF COURSE IT IS SATIRE. Machiavelli was poking fun at the morons that he wrote it for and knew that smart people would get it. Real smart people. Not the everyday Onion fan.

I love watching people share real satire articles only to have someone point out that it is satire... and then how quickly the post disappears. No one wants to look stupid. So real satire isn't shared in the sense that it should be. Instead people like to share articles by The Onion because they think it is satire and because they want to say "Look at me. I get it. I'm smart"

In conclusion... I fucking hate The Onion and the crap it puts out.