Gas Station Peanuts

Be me.
Be at gas station to use bathroom... do i want to get a snack while I'm here?
Go in bathroom.
*pull dick out to piss*
Think...huh... nuts.
Peanuts sounds good.
Continue drive while snacking on dill pickle, ranch, and salted roasted peanut.

Thanks to the men who have sacrificed for me

I would like to take a moment to thank all of the men who have sacrificed so that i dont have to.
Sometimes i think that i would like to be married and have a family.
But then i see a poor miserable man having his soul slowly stolen from him by an annoying soul sucking harpie cunt of a woman. Then i see another man in a store with his piss poor behaved offspring. Sometimes i momentarily lock eyes with these men... and i see the regret in their eyes.
Thank you sir. Thank you for your sacrifice. Your family doesn't give a shit about you but i do.

Really Hooman?

I was at Moe's last week and saw this. The owners of this Jeep came inside and left the poor doggo in the jeep alone with no munchies. The dog was laying down for a while then I saw him pop is head up and just stare at these guys like, "Come on, what's taking so long? Wait? What? You're eating? With out me!!!"

Hamburgers: Y U No Healthy?

I am not sure why hamburgers are considered so unhealthy. They have everything healthy on them. They are little salads with a serving of meat between bread. It's like the food pyramid came to life and skeeted all over my plate. Plus they are super delicious.

Plus why cant fast food employees get it that I am fat and want a combo... and another burger to go on the side, Because I am hungry as fuck? I spend a lot of calories bitching about things all day.

Butterface

The awkward moment when you see a woman with a perfect body from afar but then she turns around and is a Haggard blond 50 year old and you're like no I'm not there yet.

Don't sit so close to me

I travel a lot for work. So I eat out a lot.
I am also anti-social and anti people. I like to sit in a nice quite corner of a restaurant.

But even if the place is empty the next asshole in the door has to sit next to me. Why? Does my cold hateful scowl not inform you to move along?

But who I really hate are people with children. Lets me be honest, I would rather see your child sold into slavery than have them or you sit next to me.

I have literally stared at people until their whole family moved.

Why for fuck sakes do restaurant not have child free areas so I can fucking eat in peace?

I came here to eat food not hear your little shits randomly scream, cry and throw things.

Why does your little offspring have to listed to a fucking ipad at full volume, how do you not know what a rude she you are?

Lap Dance Over Time

The awkward moment when the lap dance is over, you've paid the stripper, and she wants you to suck on her titties and finger bang her a bit more. It's like "HEY COME ONE!!!! You need to pay ME for this!"

You can't just use me as a piece of meat!

I have feelings too.

Online Dating Headline Fail

Apparently "Looking for someone to bust nuts in" is not an appropriate online dating headline. How about "Looking for someone to bust nuts in and occasionally get dinner, watch a movie and cuddle?
better?