Sunday, April 8, 2018

Really Hooman?

I was at Moe's last week and saw this. The owners of this Jeep came inside and left the poor doggo in the jeep alone with no munchies. The dog was laying down for a while then I saw him pop is head up and just stare at these guys like, "Come on, what's taking so long? Wait? What? You're eating? With out me!!!"

Hamburgers: Y U No Healthy?

I am not sure why hamburgers are considered so unhealthy. They have everything healthy on them. They are little salads with a serving of meat between bread. It's like the food pyramid came to life and skeeted all over my plate. Plus they are super delicious.

Plus why cant fast food employees get it that I am fat and want a combo... and another burger to go on the side, Because I am hungry as fuck? I spend a lot of calories bitching about things all day.

Saturday, April 7, 2018


The awkward moment when you see a woman with a perfect body from afar but then she turns around and is a Haggard blond 50 year old and you're like no I'm not there yet.

Don't sit so close to me

I travel a lot for work. So I eat out a lot.
I am also anti-social and anti people. I like to sit in a nice quite corner of a restaurant.
But even if the place is empty the next asshole in the door has to sit next to me. Why? Does my cold hateful scowl not inform you to move along?

But who I really hate are people with children. Lets me be honest, I would rather see your child sold into slavery than have them or you sit next to me.

I have literally stared at people until their whole family moved.

Why for fuck sakes do restaurant not have child free areas so I can fucking eat in peace?

I came here to eat food not hear your little shits randomly scream, cry and throw things.
Why does your little offspring have to listed to a fucking ipad at full volume, how do you not know what a rude she you are?

Saturday, March 31, 2018

Lap Dance Over Time

The awkward moment when the lap dance is over, you've paid the stripper, and she wants you to suck on her titties and finger bang her a bit more. It's like "HEY COME ONE!!!! You need to pay ME for this!"
You can't just use me as a piece of meat!
I have feelings too.

Online Dating Headline Fail

Apparently "Looking for someone to bust nuts in" is not an appropriate online dating headline. How about "Looking for someone to bust nuts in and occasionally get dinner, watch a movie and cuddle?

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Dear Burger King

No amount of card board crowns will make up for your shitty food and service.

Guess what. Your ketchup is out. Its always out. Always. You know why? Because we need a shit ton of it to choke down the worst fries in the business. They taste just like the card board crown.

Can you please hire people that know how to do their job? Perhaps the tattooed trash should work in the back. Where they will surely spit on my food and use meat patties to wipe their ass. No you put them at the counter, i love reading the names of all the guys the crack whore that is ringing up my order has fucked. Tony was here. Jamal hit this.
Where do you get these people? Prison work release?

I wonder... some where out there... is there a burger king with competent employees?

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

MASTERPEICE TOY THEATRE: Spider-Man Joins The Avengers

This is TOTALLY how The Hulk and Iron-Man hang out. Totally 100% normal.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015


WHEN I AM PRESIDENT: The punishment for posting videos that automatically play when I open the website shall become illegal. People found in violation of this will receive still punishment. What do I mean by "stiff punishment"???

You will be thrown in jail for a period of time, you will be housed in a cell with a cellmate that is certain to rape you. First offense is a week of but rape. Second offense a month. Third offense your sweet ass is offered up for a gang bang in the showers. Fourth offense you get ass raped until you die.
That is how much I fucking hate videos that auto play... do you fucking hear me news stations? let me click the god damn button to play it when I am damned ready.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

When I Am President: The Feline Solution

When I am President I will work on a comprehensive jobs program to put all Americans to work. These people will be put to work solving issues that we face as a nation. One of the biggest issues are cats.

That's right. Cats. Felines. Aka Felis silvestris catus. Those furry pieces of shit that look cute and cuddly but are waiting for the moment you drop dead to feast upon your rotting flesh

Be not confused my fellow Americans. Cats are evil. They do nothing for this nation but eat the kibble that could be better put to use in the food bowls of good loyal American dogs.