Merlin The Camera Shy Dog

I took this last year of my room mates dog. Just now putting it up. Kinda cute, it that's what your into.

Why a Non-Christian supports Chick-Fil-A

It may surprise you, but I am a progressive, liberal, socialist, non-christian, gay rights supporter...but I am supporting Chick-fil-A.

"Holy shit" you say! "How is that possible"?

Well it may further surprise you, that I have boycotted Chick-Fil-A before.  I know, your liberal butt hurt mind just fucking exploded didn't it. In the past I have boycotted them for being a christian company. I was much more anti-christian at that time. That's right, butt hurt libtard. I boycotted that shit before it was cool. Where the fuck were you?

I have actually worked on that dudes property and his fucking cows look nothing like this!

You know where you were? Not being fucking educated. That's where you were. They are a christian company. They aren't open on Sunday. DUH! Your money goes to christian people who support christian ideals. Do you know what christian ideals are? No you probably don't.

Your probably someone that considers yourself a christian and has no fucking clue what the bible says about gay people. For real...read the fucking bible! The Christian God does not like you. Read that shit!

Anyway...

Eventually, I became less anti-christian and decided to eat their delicious fried chicken sandwiches. For a while I loved it. Especially the Honey Mustard sauce that they have, that is misleadingly called roasted barbecue something something sauce. But the fact is the food costs too damn much for what you pay. You don't get enough. If I am paying $10 for fast food then I want to be full.

FULL DAMNED YOU!

Full like this fat fuck.

I don't want to sit there and think "man, I need another sandwich". So my boycott is on for a different reason.
Until now. Now, someone finally discovered that Chick-Fil-A is a christian corporation...no shit! The owner is christian...damn I didn't know that. And to make it worse they support christian fundamentals...holy fuck, christian fundamentals...what's that?

Fundamentals like 'gays suck'. Well Christian fundamentals don't get into what they suck...we have the internet for that.

So, now we get into me. I would be described as liberal, perhaps socialist, I have no problems with gays and think they should marry, if they can't marry then they should certainly have a legal union available to them. So why the fuck would I not support gays on this issue?

It is simple.

CHICK-FIL-A IS A FUCKING CHRISTIAN CORPORATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 We have the freedom of religion in this country, and as far as I care the freedom from religion. All the other fast food companies would never stand for any religious beliefs. Why? Because they have none. Money is their religion and they would never stand up for what they believe in because it will piss someone off. Pissed off people don't spend money at your business.

I support Chick-Fil-A for standing behind their beliefs and saying what we believe is more important than money. Mother fucking hurrah for them. I wish more people actually stood up for what they believe in.

Now, do I support what Chick-Fil-A stands for? Fuck no. But I stand for their right to say or do, whatever they want. And gays, I still stand for your right to fuck whatever you want.

As long as it is not a child, animal or me.

Unless your a lipstick lesbian and want some man sausage for dinner, mines extra juicy.

Toy Box Theatre - Episode 1 - Wheel Jack and Jazz on The transformers Movie

When It Costs To Much To Be Corny

So I am sure we have all seen it. There is no rain in the mid west, corn is wilting off the stalk. Prices will soon go up on EVERYTHING!

To this I must say: "WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Prehistoric peoples dug irrigation ditches with sticks and stones and their bare hands, for miles out west to water their crops in the desert. Why can't a dip shit redneck in Iowa do that? We have literally advanced as a society so far that we can build a 1 ton outer space dune buggy fly that bitch to Mars, fly it down, release it from a tether and then have a remote flown space craft blast off having never touched the surface. All while we cant communicate with it for 20 minutes, and it does all of that on it's own.

But seriously, Farmer Jones can't get some fucking water for his crops? Can it be that fucking hard? I guess it is easier to suck on those farm subsidies than to use your brain as a farmer now a days...don't get me started on those fucking farm subsidies...we are actually paying assholes NOT TO FARM instead of actually farming.

So obviously farmer Jones needs some help here so read this and thank me later:

Step 1: Dig a fucking hole, asshole. That's right. This is called a well. Not one of those that dumb ass children fall into but one that goes down several hundred feet until it hits an aquifer.

Calm your tits farmer Jones. You do this with a truck.

Note: If there is a body of water nearby you can skip this part booger muncher.

Step 2: Buy a fucking pump. No, dip shit not a dick pump...

WRONG!

...a real pump. A big ass pump, for pumping water. This is going to be an engine that powers a pump that pumps water.

RIGHT!

Step 3: Buy one of those big ass irrigation rigs. You know the ones.

Yeah that thing. They are jointed and motorized and move around using the water pressure to move their selves.

Step 4: Hook them bitches up!

titties!

Step 5: Turn it on and water that corn! Try not to eat it all.

"God damn that shit is good"

Step 6: Sell that corn, GET MONEY!

"Cash Rules Everything Around Me. CREAM. Get tha Money! 100 dollar bills ya'll!" - Wu Tang Clan

Back When Hip Hop Was Relevant

Due to the horrible economy, I am back at home in Southern Alabama. Unfortunately for me, there is no decent radio stations here. No modern rock for me to listen to and since I refuse to listen to country music made after 1985 or Talk radio, it is C.D.s of the MP3 player for me...or Pop music radio.

So alas it is that we join the story at hand. On the radio today was what has to be the worst hip hop song in the history of the genre. In case you have never heard it here it is:

That is Niki Manaj with "Bees in the trap"  " ...I bees in that trap bee bees in tha trap..."  GOD DAMN!!! That is a catchy song...but FUCK...it sucks so fucking bad. That is what rap music is today. It is all catchy bull shit. No talent. I remember the good old days (you know you are old when you start using that phrase) when rap music was good...it was new...there was talent...there was innovation. Where the fuck is it now?  I blame Lil' Jon.  Now I like Lil' Jon but let's be honest...his music was more about production and yelling "WHAT" and "OH YEAH" more than anything else. I remember when I was a kid, a young white boy from the rural south, the first rap song that I ever really heard was "Walk This Way" by Run D.M.C. featuring Aerosmith. Neither group thought at the time that it was a good idea but the record company insisted that it would bring new fans to each group. OH so right they were. The song made me a fan of both groups. I soon fell in love with Run D.M.C. The Fat Boys and The Beastie Boys. Over the years I have discovered more hip hop artists old and new. But lets be honest. The vast majority of rap out there now sucks. I miss the good old days where there was a message, they used the art for something positive and useful. I apologize for getting that Nickie Manaj song in your head. Please take a moment to bleach it out with these songs from back when rap was relevant to the world...and actually meant something.

GrandMaster Flash - "The Message"

Melle Mel - "Vice"

Grandmaster Flash - "White Lines"

Arrested Development - Tennessee

Authors Note: It seems that her name is spelled nicki manaj...if I've misspelled it...well...who the fuck cares?

Sex- Ed + The Fall Out - from the archives

Authors Note:
This post was first published on myspace and boy did it get me some grief...a girl that I had just dated saw some of the stuff that I wrote in this and realized it applied to her. She sent me a rude email that I still to this day have not read!
I mean why should I read an email telling me that I am an asshole? What more could it possibly hold within it that was pertinent other than "You're an asshole'?
If you are interested in finding out what it said I will post the email at the bottom.

Originally posted on myspace May 11, 2009

Sex-Ed:

So for the last few months my good friend Jennifer has been in town an we've had plenty of time to bitch about dating (and trying to get action) as 30 somethings. So here is a short "pointers" list for the guys and gals. Memorize this and maybe on your next date you'll get a second.

For the guys:

*Don't try to put the girls legs behind their head. It is not recommended but if you do, slyly stretch her legs first. How you can pull this off without looking like a wierdo I don't know.

* while on top do not lace your hands together behind their heads to get more leverage.

*Appearantly your only supposed to "swirl" your penis only at full penetration. Appearantly at half penetration it is not so good. I say that if you can remember to twist it in the middle of doing it...props to you homeboy...

*I would think this should go without saying, but ask before attempting anal. This should go for girls as well...do not put a finger in there unless we tell you to.

*Guys, they seem to like "normal" sex the first time, no special moves. Trying what worked on your ex may not work on the next one.

* and if your dating Jennifer for "fucks sake" bring icing.

Now the ladies:

*This is very important... girls... if you touch a man's penis (unless you’re a medical doctor) you are expected to finish the job. FINISH WHAT YOU START!!!

*Any reasons for not following thru with the deed should be mentioned before commencement of all sexual festivities. Not warning us that aunt flo is visiting for the week is a NO NO! Unless we know you well enough to know your cycle for fucks sake tell us before the loss of clothes...and if you touch IT finish what you started!

*If the guy has a nice dick, then tell him about it. It's nice to hear. If you don't complement it we may wonder what kind of donkey freaks, gang bangs, or cucumbers you may have fucked in the past. Now if the guy has a lame one then don't complement it, as he will know your full of shit or lamer than he is.

* Know when to leave. Unless we REALLY like you, we really don’t want you to hang around. no offense but get out. We'll let you know if we want you to stay.

*Unlike you women when you do it with us we want you to pull out all the stops. The first time is an audition, show us what you've got and we'll give you a second date. Ladies have you ever did it with a guy and never heard from him again? It's because if we wanted a lame fuck we could get it from any skank at the bar. If you want our monogamy earn it.

Now, I hope we all understand now what the other side wants a little more, so get out there and start fucking!

UPDATE # 1:

Guys! Jesus Christ, wear a condom! I don't care if it doesn't feel as good. If you don't know the chick wears a fucking condom! I mean do you know who jizzed in that thing before you?  Seriously I don't want genital warts or gonorrhea or whatever because you couldn’t wear a fucking condom and down the road we banged the same chick. You don't even know if she is fertile! You could have a kid with some nasty whore! IDIOT!

If I was going to bang a chick and she told me I didn't have to wear one I'd say no thanks. Honestly.

Girls! This involves the guy coming. Speaking... orally...Now I am not all guys but personally I don't care where it goes after it leaves me. As long as you make me come I don't care if it goes in your mouth, sheets, curtains, nostrils whatever. I just don't want it on me, so aim it AWAY from the guy. And on swallowing...you know you CAN get stuff from that right? I know I told you to go all out but really is doing it a second time worth a mouth full of AIDS laden Jizz?

UPDATE #2:

*NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU

*don't talk about your ex- (girls and guys)

* don't play music during unless both of you want to hear it. And for the love of god playing Kid rocks newest album on loop is torture

* When the guy (girl) says he has to go to work the next morning let him/her leave and stop yapping about whatever...let’s say Burning Man...who the fuck cares?

*If the guy puts in the work to give you multiples and you all of a sudden don't want to let him work on #2...you suck

*This goes for both...wash down town

*sometimes a guy has to fart...sorry

*Not everything you see on porn should be done in real life. I think this goes more for the guys than the girls.

*Dutch ovens are funny...only if the guy does it to the girl.

*Don't critique the guy/girls place afterwards.

*girls...toys intimidate guys at first, beware

Authors Note:

Really...this shit applies to everyone as far as I am concerned. And believe it or not but I have had sexual congress (Senate and House) with more than one woman before. But bitches want to think they are the center of the world. So this girl I had dated a bit before I wrote that emailed me thinking that everything that I wrote was about her. Some was, but damn...she thought everything was about her. So I then get this long butt hurt email:

" I read your Sex Ed piece, and whated to let you know that your a fucking asshole! I feel like all of those things that you posted were about me, which is insulting, rude, and really fucking hurtful.

* As for Aunt Flo coming to visit, and me not telling you. That was a lie, I tried telling you earlier, no I didn't scream out "stop! I'm on the rag!" I was trying to be a little bit more tactful, aparently YOU missed that.
* Maybe what you really want in life is a freak and a whore- thats all you ever fucking talk about on your FB and Myspace page. But if you want someone other than a slut, then your expectations for sex are way off base. We don't want to fuck you when we first meet you. Sex for the majority of women is emotional- feeling connected, feeling cared for. And most women, while they may like to have sex like a rodeo freak show, they will not when they first start sleeping with someone, especially if they want to see them again. Because we want your first impressions of us to have more substance that "man, she was a good fuck!" So fuck your audition!
* Also on this same line... The night I had my period I actually thought about sucking your dick to get you off, but then I also remembered you telling me earlier that night that you didn't eat pussy either. So don't expect me to do something you won't do!
* I have talked to several male friends after our discussion of "you didn't tell me I had a nice dick." NONE of the men I've asked about this have agreed with you! In fact the general concensus from men, is that your insecure!
* And finally for my favorite is about you bitching about me not leaving. Your a dick! Did it ever cross your mind that I'm living with a family, and that I have to be respectful of their needs. The 2 Sat nights that I stayed at your house, I intentionally waited till about 4am Because ***** is an extreamly light sleeper- and an exceptionally grumpy son of a bitch when he wakes up, and he leaves for work on Sat's at 4am, and ***** is a awake then too, so by not leaving your house until then I didn't wake up the entire house. Also, the last time I saw you if i remember correctly: I had been at a kids b-day party all day, I came over we had sex, and I fell asleep on your couch- I'm sorry about that- really, my fucking bad, but you didn't have to be a complete and utter asshole to post that shit!
* I didn't post all the mean things I thought about you! "

Sent May 21, 2009

Authors Note:

Like I said earlier...this is the fisrt time I have EVER read this email. My answer...what ever. The funny thing is a year later she emailed me again and we became friends again...nothing ever happened but there is more to the story unfortunately. Needless to say there was another fall out, every thing is about her and I am still a complete ass.

Three Bits of Wisdom - from the archives

Originally posted on Myspace on May 12, 2009

Dating wisdom for the ladies

Recently I was thinking and had a small epiphany about dating. Unfortunately, It is not for guys and therefore unusable for me, but for the girls it may help.

See I had a sort of conversation with a girl I had went out with a few times, she was talking about the typical perfect guy one who brought flowers for no reason, helped around the house, listened to your stupid girlie bullshit, blah blah blah. I realized I was that guy. I did all that shit. Not for her of course because I didn't really like her...But I did it for my ex because I actually liked her.

THAT'S IT. A guy has got to LIKE you.

You see I had always thought of there being 2 types of women (three really) the unspoken type that I have no interest in, in any way shape or fashion. Then there are girls worth dating and then just friends. Then I realized towards the end of college they have to be your friends to be worth dating. No matter how you divide women I just realized there was a new type... a wet hole to put your penis in. Wait wait! I know your like whatever, but wait and listen.

If a guy is dating you your not a "not interested type", or a "just a friend type" (yet). If he is not that great to you, if he seems uninterested, doesn't seem willing to do whatever...it's because your just a wet hole for him to fill. Dump him! find a good guy who thinks more of you, or keep being just a wet hole if your fine with that.

BUT! If the guy likes you! Now that's different, he'll bring you flowers for no reason help you do stuff listen to your bullshit and your crying and will even put up with you hanging out with your stupid friends that we really hate...oh, and we do! He'll even drive a round trip of 12-14 hrs on the weekend to see you, even though he knows the relationship is pretty much over but will do it just to keep it going...if he LIKES you.

Now you’re thinking, all guys are the same they're all jerks, blah blah blah, my vagina hurts. Shut up, sure plenty of guys are jerks, I am surprised by how shitty guys are sometimes, guys you wouldn’t expect to, will cheat...but why? BECAUSE HE DOESN'T FUCKING LIKE YOU! You’re just a wet hole. Find a guy who thinks more of you. Find a guy who LIKEs you!

SO...

If you liked that last bit of wisdom I just dropped on you you'll love this one. I've actually been sitting on this one for a while but since I am full of wisdom to dispense (too much Lost?) please, have some more.

So we all hear about the path that we take in life. We all look at this as a linear path if at all. I look at it slightly differently.

We're all in a a crowded wood. Each on our own path, sometimes paths cross, that’s when we meet different people. Sometimes our paths are parallel, that's when we know people and become friends, enemies, lovers for a while. And then sometimes our paths go off in different directions, that’s when friends move away, enemies die, are vanquished or move on, and lovers find you gave them VD and leave you...just joking on that last one! Sometimes we have the choice to take different paths. You can chose a path to keep you near someone or away.

So, if you liked that one ask me sometime about how the existence of Black matter proves the existence of God...seriously! I mean it! (my god not jesusy god, terrorist god, fat god or the multihanded god)

now #3 do not ad current co-workers or potential romantic interests as friends on myspace or facebook because then you can't talk about them and you have to hear their lip if you do.

Learn to drive, you idiots!

Originally posted Oct 31, 2006 to myspace

First off, happy HALLOWEEN you punk ass Goblins and Ghouls.

Second off, I just ate some chicken wings...mmmmmm. I should have ate them at the restaurant. The girls were dressed in some of the skankiest costumes. Jebus. It looked more like Hooters than Buffalo Wild Wings. Man. What a pair of D cups can do to a males disposition. If more women ever realize how to harness the power of their breasts... men... we will truly be FUCKED!

CAN you say President Brandy?

I believe this was a reference to Adult Actress Brandy Talore

Well, a stripper couldn't be worse than "W". DUBBYA... jebus again...

3rd off, I am watching the History channels history of Halloween. My running comment to the TV... "Fucking Christians". Thanks for killing everyone who disagrees with you, all throughout history!

I have guns, so bring it on assholes!

These really are some of my guns.

Well, on to my bitchfest:

I drove back from Troy, Al to Hattiesburg, MS this afternoon. I just have to ask... DOES ANYBODY IN THIS COUNTRY REMEMBER HOW TO FUCKING DRIVE!?!?!?!

Jesus fucking christ. It is NOT your god given right to sit your ass in the fast lane people! It is called the passing lane for a reason. You pass slow people in that lane then get your sorry ass over into the slow lane, you shit heads! THEN when people are merging onto the interstate, you get out of their fucking way!

I mean, god, the fucking NAZI's could drive, and they thought cooking other human beings was a good idea (It isn't by the way). Up until the last decade the autobahn was No speed limits. You know how it worked for 50 years? Wanna know? Do ya? THEY KNEW HOW TO FUCKING DRIVE!!! Everyone drives a decent speed, they stay out of the damned left lane and are courteous to other drives or else. or else means tickets and you get your license taken away.

The United States interstate system was based on the German one...that worked, by the way. Not only that but it was designed for cars from the 40s and 50s. that means cars that accelerated at a much slower pace and had antiquated brakes that sucked ass compared to modern ones. AND it was designed for speeds up to 100 mph.

"...move bitch, get out tha way..."

So why does our system not work? Well the 55mph speed limit in the early 80s sure had a hand in fucking it up. At that slow a speed it doesn’t matter if you drive like a fucking moron. Most people can avoid you.

But today with limits up to 75 people are still driving with no intelligence.

One of the things that pissed me off today is I was driving at a little under 10mph under the limit, that would be 80mph. Being a bit of a lead foot I put the cruise control on to keep me from accidentally getting up to 90 and having a night stick shoved up my ass. And people wouldn’t get out of my way and even had the nerve to pull in front of me instead of waiting an extra 5 seconds to pass someone.

No, I did not get a ticket today but they were out there..."oh it's the end of the month I have to get as many tickets as I can to keep sarge out of my ass". Let me just say. I hate the police. they are worthless doughnut eating cock suckers.

I doubt any little kid grows up wanting to be a cop to sit on the side of the road and give out tickets to otherwise law abiding citizens. No. kids want to be heroes and help people. What a lame life one must live to be a cop. state troopers especially. The lowest form of law enforcement life. Now from my experience sheriffs and sheriff deputies usually do their real job (putting criminals behind bars) and only pull you over to give you a warning if you need it. Detectives are generally decent human beings as well. but anyone with a ticket book can lick my balls.

Moving on.

While on the interstate...use your fucking cruise control! It is there for a reason...other than your laziness! There was this Mercedes SUV (obvious cock sucker) that at one moment would pass me at about 85-90mph, then the next moment I would pass them doing a paltry 55. What the fuck?!

Ok...what else is there to bitch about? Hmmm. 18wheelers that pull out in front of you and take 5 minutes to pass another big truck. fucking inbreds.

Well, I think I am about bitched out now. yup. That’s it. No trick or treaters yet... lazy kids... put the damned PSP down and knock on my door to get some of my candy. GOD DAMNED IT! Ok. That’s it I think.

Ok later, I will be posting this in my blog and emailing it to my friends so sorry for the double copies any of you that applies to.

so in conclusion, If you don’t know how to drive, please learn. Happy Halloween bitches... and most importantly...breasts are great! Please feel free to show them off and the world shall be your oyster... and if you have DDs, let me be your first slave in your war of world domination!

Opps! One more bitch! I got back to Hattiesburg too late to get a massage, and damned it my back hurts. I love when you move around and it sounds like your crunching celery...love it!

ok, that's it. Promise.

Pope excommunicates married priest - from the archives

Originally posted on myspace Oct 15, 2006

I just saw that the pope excommunicated like 5 priests who decided to marry women. Wow, I knew Catholicism was fucked up but how fucked up is it to say "ok. if you marry a woman you will be for all purposes will be condemned to hell.

BUT molest a kid, that is totally OK. If you get caught we will not turn you over to the cops, but will in fact cover your legal fees, AND you will not get fired but sent somewhere else...will we tell the people there what a sick fuck you are? no! your secrets safe with us!

Feel free to fuck a few more kids, it's ok, but damned you to hell if you marry a woman!

Yeah, I'm so glad the religious right is so full of their selves.

The Drunken Cottage Cheese Song:

Originally posted on my myspace blog  in Oct 2006, but the poem was written around 2002-03 it was inspired  by a tale a friend told me about a friend of his from his youth...enjoy

The Drunken Cottage Cheese Song:

He stuck his dick in her pussy and made her moan.

But when he pulled it out, I heard him groan,

He had a piece of cottage cheese on his dick

and it made us all really sick.

Cause we all had fucked her before.

Yeah, we knew she was a whore

but we still didn't use a rubber.

Now we only fuck chicks when we're sober!!!