Butterface

The awkward moment when you see a woman with a perfect body from afar but then she turns around and is a Haggard blond 50 year old and you're like no I'm not there yet.

Don't sit so close to me

I travel a lot for work. So I eat out a lot.
I am also anti-social and anti people. I like to sit in a nice quite corner of a restaurant.

But even if the place is empty the next asshole in the door has to sit next to me. Why? Does my cold hateful scowl not inform you to move along?

But who I really hate are people with children. Lets me be honest, I would rather see your child sold into slavery than have them or you sit next to me.

I have literally stared at people until their whole family moved.

Why for fuck sakes do restaurant not have child free areas so I can fucking eat in peace?

I came here to eat food not hear your little shits randomly scream, cry and throw things.

Why does your little offspring have to listed to a fucking ipad at full volume, how do you not know what a rude she you are?

Lap Dance Over Time

The awkward moment when the lap dance is over, you've paid the stripper, and she wants you to suck on her titties and finger bang her a bit more. It's like "HEY COME ONE!!!! You need to pay ME for this!"

You can't just use me as a piece of meat!

I have feelings too.

Online Dating Headline Fail

Apparently "Looking for someone to bust nuts in" is not an appropriate online dating headline. How about "Looking for someone to bust nuts in and occasionally get dinner, watch a movie and cuddle?
better?

Dear Burger King

No amount of card board crowns will make up for your shitty food and service.

Guess what. Your ketchup is out. Its always out. Always. You know why? Because we need a shit ton of it to choke down the worst fries in the business. They taste just like the card board crown.

Can you please hire people that know how to do their job? Perhaps the tattooed trash should work in the back. Where they will surely spit on my food and use meat patties to wipe their ass. No you put them at the counter, i love reading the names of all the guys the crack whore that is ringing up my order has fucked. Tony was here. Jamal hit this.
Where do you get these people? Prison work release?

I wonder... some where out there... is there a burger king with competent employees?

MASTERPEICE TOY THEATRE: Spider-Man Joins The Avengers

This is TOTALLY how The Hulk and Iron-Man hang out. Totally 100% normal.

WHEN I AM PRESIDENT:Auto Play Videos

WHEN I AM PRESIDENT: The punishment for posting videos that automatically play when I open the website shall become illegal. People found in violation of this will receive still punishment. What do I mean by "stiff punishment"???

You will be thrown in jail for a period of time, you will be housed in a cell with a cellmate that is certain to rape you. First offense is a week of but rape. Second offense a month. Third offense your sweet ass is offered up for a gang bang in the showers. Fourth offense you get ass raped until you die.
That is how much I fucking hate videos that auto play... do you fucking hear me news stations? let me click the god damn button to play it when I am damned ready.

When I Am President: The Feline Solution

When I am President I will work on a comprehensive jobs program to put all Americans to work. These people will be put to work solving issues that we face as a nation. One of the biggest issues are cats.

That's right. Cats. Felines. Aka Felis silvestris catus. Those furry pieces of shit that look cute and cuddly but are waiting for the moment you drop dead to feast upon your rotting flesh. 

Be not confused my fellow Americans. Cats are evil. They do nothing for this nation but eat the kibble that could be better put to use in the food bowls of good loyal American dogs.

My Marriage Rant

A lost post from... like a year ago???

There are two things right now that are really fucking getting on my nerves...

 1. People that think they know me.
 Guess what... you fucking don't. I would say there there are maybe 3 people on my friends list that actually get me. Chances you aren't one of them. Shit. There is only one of my family members that get me.

 2. The idea that getting married somehow makes you a better person or a complete human being.
 Guess what... it fucking doesn't. How many of you married someone and had a failed marriage. I can't tell you how many times in the last week i have heard 'that person must be gay because they aren't married' or something similar. That is so infuriatingly stupid...moronic..imbecilic... god damn I cant think of a word to properly describe the level of stupidity in that statement/train of though.

 Maybe that person doesn't want to marry an asshole and waste a decade of their life before they fucking realize it. Just because I haven't married some dumb cunt doesn't mean shit other than "Hey, I am not stupid enough to marry an asshole". And for the record if you have ever been divorced then just keep your opinion on marriage to yourself. Don't think this status is about you or you comments its not... it takes more than one comment by someone on Facebook to annoy me.

I Am A Whiny Bitch Because Superman Is Too Realistic.

"Hold me to your bosom."

Dear Comic Book fanboys:

I am so fucking tired of you whining about how super heroes are supposed to be super-fucking-awesome-happy -good-guy-heroes like the propaganda that they were in the 1950's. Guess what. It's not 1950. Shit wasn't realistic then, not now.

Iron man is supposed to be a drunken asshole. Is he a drunken ass hole in the movies? Do I complain about that? Noooo. Because guess what. Having a drunken driver of a Iron Man jet suit is bad for kids. So shut the fuck up about Superman not being 1950's propaganda.

We have *hick* a hulk... but *hick* I'd trade him for ah Bourbon.  

He's a fucking adopted orphan. His planet, along with all of his family was obliterated like Alderaan, and he is a fucking God on this planet. His best friend becomes his greatest enemy, The internet killed journalism and newspapers so he is fucking unemployed, and he is fucking allergic to intergalactic chunks of his home planet. Not to mention he hangs out in a fucking crystal cave to get away from people. He has some fucking issues. Get over it. He has a dark side. He can't always be the happy go lucky sack of kittens that you want him to be. If he occasionally want's to kill a motherfucker and wreck a city...just shut the fuck up and let him.

He's fucking Super Man!