Really Hooman?

I was at Moe's last week and saw this. The owners of this Jeep came inside and left the poor doggo in the jeep alone with no munchies. The dog was laying down for a while then I saw him pop is head up and just stare at these guys like, "Come on, what's taking so long? Wait? What? You're eating? With out me!!!"

Butterface

The awkward moment when you see a woman with a perfect body from afar but then she turns around and is a Haggard blond 50 year old and you're like no I'm not there yet.

Don't sit so close to me

I travel a lot for work. So I eat out a lot.
I am also anti-social and anti people. I like to sit in a nice quite corner of a restaurant.

But even if the place is empty the next asshole in the door has to sit next to me. Why? Does my cold hateful scowl not inform you to move along?

But who I really hate are people with children. Lets me be honest, I would rather see your child sold into slavery than have them or you sit next to me.

I have literally stared at people until their whole family moved.

Why for fuck sakes do restaurant not have child free areas so I can fucking eat in peace?

I came here to eat food not hear your little shits randomly scream, cry and throw things.

Why does your little offspring have to listed to a fucking ipad at full volume, how do you not know what a rude she you are?

Lap Dance Over Time

The awkward moment when the lap dance is over, you've paid the stripper, and she wants you to suck on her titties and finger bang her a bit more. It's like "HEY COME ONE!!!! You need to pay ME for this!"

You can't just use me as a piece of meat!

I have feelings too.

MASTERPEICE TOY THEATRE: Spider-Man Joins The Avengers

This is TOTALLY how The Hulk and Iron-Man hang out. Totally 100% normal.

When I Am President: The Feline Solution

When I am President I will work on a comprehensive jobs program to put all Americans to work. These people will be put to work solving issues that we face as a nation. One of the biggest issues are cats.

That's right. Cats. Felines. Aka Felis silvestris catus. Those furry pieces of shit that look cute and cuddly but are waiting for the moment you drop dead to feast upon your rotting flesh. 

Be not confused my fellow Americans. Cats are evil. They do nothing for this nation but eat the kibble that could be better put to use in the food bowls of good loyal American dogs.

My Musings On Robin Williams

I Fucking Killed Myself!!! Look At ME!!!!

Dear world:

Someone that used to be cool is dead. Wait. No. He killed himself.

How many fucks do I have to give for people that kill their selves? Let me look in my fuck bag...

Nope...only one left and I am saving it. Suicide is the most selfish thing one can do. Of all the people that I have known that have killed their selves they have done it to punish someone else. 

Now if you honestly just don't give a fuck anymore and you're done, then... you  know. Bon fucking voyage. Glad you escaped the pain.

But honestly. You are a beloved figure. You have a trophy wife. Shit tons of money. Honestly... how fucking bad can your life be?

Dear World of Porn:

Dear world of Porn:

If your going to film a new girl... how about shaving her fucking arms?
The cooch has been shaved but you couldn't take an extra 5 minutes to shave her fucking man forearms?
#cantwanktothat

When I Am President... Urinals

When I'm President... I will require ever mens bathroom to have at least one urinal and one toilet. This law is the fault of you pussy whipped men that have to leave the seat down. You fucking pussies.

Because of you assholes I have to touch a the toilet seat (that has your ass on it and is inches away from piss and shit) and then my dick. Fuck you assholes for that. Because of you everyone has to pay. Now get ready to put in some fucking urinals.

Duck Dynasty Debacle Facebook Rants

So here is a selection of my facebook rants on the Duck Dynasty Debacle. Enjoy.

"You just read that? I kind of like this foul mouthed yuppie."

Facebook dumbass comment of the day:
In regards to the Duck dynasty debacle...
"Its only alienating to me when you're the one being slandered. "
No fucking shit you dumb cunt. Liberal dumb asses piss me off just as much as conservative dumbasses.

Lets review the facts. An interviewer asked a 70 year old, conservative, southern, christian PART TIME PASTOR his views on homosexuality...

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK DID YOU THINK HE WAS GOING TO SAY?
Christians believe in the bible, they have to spout what the bible says OR THEY AREN'T A MOTHERFUCKING CHRISTIAN YOU DUMB LIBERAL CUNTS.

Duck Dynasty Doesn't Love The Gays...Say It Ain't So!

As a non-christian, part time anti-christian, I have recently been put back into the weird spot of defending christians. Yeah, I know...what the fuck.

Recently GQ magazine interviewed Phil Robertson, patron of the Robertson family on A&E's hit tv show Duck Dynasty. In it he said a few things... let's review those things because lot of them have been taken out of context. 

To see what the man said in the context of the article, click here.  But since people are to lazy to click a link to learn the truth, let me do it for you: