What
are Jamesisms? They are often humorous things that I think of, say to
friends, or write to friends through out the day. Sometimes they are
more than humorous and is a smart saying to help you live your life. But
usually they are dirty offensive things.
Do you remember that show Ally McBeal? Remember the partner named Fisch that would say funny things and then call it a Fischism? Well they are like that.
When I first started listing them on facebook I listed them out of order. now if I remember to copy it to my list they just get added in to complete the list. Will I ever get to 1,000? Who knows.
Jamesisms:
Note: yes I know I need to go back and correct a few of them, fuck off grammar nazi!
JAMESISM 1: One is the lonleyist number...just be glad your not dead...you fucking emo!
Jamesism 2: When your in an abusive relationship it is hard to leave...that is how I feel about self abuse.
Jamesism 3: That is gay. Not like happy gay but pound me in the ass gay.
Jamesism 4: There is nothing wrong with being gay. As long as you like anal sodomy; or...you know...licking carpet.
JAMESISM 5: Ass to mouth is really fucking gross.
JAMESISM 6: Oh, you drive a Hummer. I am so sorry about your incredibly tiny penis
JAMESISM 7: My job comes with even less benifits then my friends do
JAMESISM 8: Ahhh, the 69. Nothing like getting a BJ while there is a stinky ass in your face
Jamesism 9: oh the dangers of splooge poisoning
Jamesism 10: Spelunking...that sounds dirty!
JAMESISM 11: shut your cock hole
JAMESISM 12: You're gay. You're so gay that gay people look at you and say damned you're gay
JAMESISM 13: It is wierd how the ugliest damned people can make cute babies
JAMESISM 14: Sometimes your the pimp sometimes your the ho.
jamesism 15: That's tighter than a 13 yr old virgin
Jamesism 16: Women whine about not getting paid as much as men. Men do not get pregnant and waste 9 months of employment. Hire a woman to do a mans job and then she
gets knocked up and you have to give her fluff work for a year. Stupid women. Ya'll should go back to birthin' babies and making us dinner! And then the job market is
solved. Plenty of jobs for men and jobs for women...blow jobs that is!
Jamesism 17: Sodomy. It's a nice word for a real pain in the ass!
JAMESISM 18: If you want our monogamy earn it.
Jamesism 19: Having a girl squirt on you gets real old real quick
jamesism 20: Being gay would be so much fucking easier. why oh why couldn't I have the taste for cock?
JAMESISM 21: I will support making abortion illegal as soon as they make breast reductions illegal
Jamesism 22: Holy shit! did you know brownies are flammable? not sorta flammable, but holy shit that is on fire flammable!!!
JAMESISM 23: Take it from me, some girls like to have it sugar coated...and I'm not talking about their tits
JAMESISM 24: Just because a guy stares at your bottom doesn't mean that he wants to get with your top.
JAMESISM 25: What's the best thing about your girlfriend getting fat? The tit-tays!
JAMESISM 26: (on sex) whatever it takes to send 'em home happy. Happy customers are return customers.
JAMESISM 27: Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one. I want to hear your opinions about as much as I want to hear your ass, and you opinions stink almost as much
as your ass does.
JAMESISM 28: on the threat of nuclear meltdowns: "until they cure PMS there is always that threat"
JAMESISM 29: Sometimes I loose the ability to pretend like I care about the feelings and your opinions of others.
JAMESISM 30: Sometimes I am glad I don't have kids. Wait. That's almost ALL the time.
JAMESISM 31: explosive ass decompression...ouch
JAMESISM 32: Statistically 10% of the population is not allergic to poison ivy. I would say that 90% of archaeologist are not allergic to poison ivy. To those of us
who are genetically superior I say yay, to those of you who are genetically inferior archaeologist I call you pussies
JAMESISM 32: Love thy nieghbor...doggie style preferably
JAMESISM 33: don't go to a swimsuit competition if you cant fill the swimsuit
JAMESISM 34: Dating rule #1 never let them know where you live
JAMESISM 35: (regarding Oolong tea) thats what women say when they see me....oolong...
JAMESISM 36: titties=WINNING!!! (thanks charlie sheen)
JAMESISM 37: ever been asked what super power you would choose if given an option? I have always said x-ray vision or mind reading...but I want the power to reach thu
the computer and beat the shit out of people.
JAMESISM 38: (regarding the Ides of march) what the fuck is an ide?
JAMESISM 39: (on making a sandwich) slather in mayo like a little asian girl in a bukkake, cut the cheese...
JAMESISM 40: knowledge is power...now your more powerful! ...jamesism
JAMESISM 41: there is no way I am going to eat a dish called bukkkake...jamesism
JAMESISM 42: She was the first girl that I did it with after breaking up with my ex...and we're talking a week after. So after hours of having girl jizz shot all over
me, my dick gave up and went into hiding...he went into the witness relocation program!
JAMESISM 43: Ancient ghetto wisdom tells us "you can't make a ho a housewife"
JAMESISM 44: Ancient Chinese proverb say :May your cock always rise at the stroke of Dawn
JAMESISM 45: catholic school girl outfits...every woman should have one
JAMESISM 46: Rarely does a woman with an amazing body have a brain to match
JAMESISM 47: When it comes to women one in the bush is worth two in the hand!
JAMESISM 48: The people you work with aren't your friends, their just assholes you work with!
JAMESISM 49: JAMESISM: Always change the trash when you have "company" coming over...especially if you still have used condoms in there from the last time you had
company over
JAMESISM 50: It is good to talk to your ex from time to time...just so you remember why they are your ex
JAMESISM 51: Morning Wood. God's way of telling you to go get some.
JAMESISM 52: sacrilege, it's my middle name
JAMESISM 53: "tossing the salad" if you ain't talking about leafy greens then you gross!
JAMESISM 54: Now thats a bag of archaeology!
JAMESISM 55: Just because your fucking someone doesn't mean your dating someone
JAMESISM 56: "Go fudge pack yourself"
JAMESISM 57: "hey can I hook up with her? nah, just kidding, I only put my slong inside single ladies...or liars."
JAMESISM 58: Shut up Whiney McBitchfit!!!
JAMESISM 59: You know things are bad when you have to steal TP from work to make it to pay day.
JAMESISM 60: When you date a really hot girl take lots of pictures so you can prove it later.
JAMESISM 61: you know things are about to get bad when you think to yourself "let me find the razor blade before I get too fucked up
JAMESISM 62: Buying a big box of condoms is like jinxing yourself. Get the big box and your nookie shall surely fall through. Go for the 3 pack and enjoy the night.
JAMESISM 63: JAMESISM (on women who SAY they aren't looking to be a booty call) "shut up! When you girls find a good piece of meat you ain't looking to give it up!"
JAMESISM 64: Being persistent. Women USED to call it being romantic, NOW they call it stalking and have laws against it.
JAMESISM 65: PEOPLE WITH VAGINAS BE WARNED: i am in a woman hating mood again, prepare to be offended!
JAMESISM 66: If your name is LULU you should change your name
JAMESISM 67: you had me at BOOBS
JAMESISM 68:if they weren't women I wouldn't womanize them
JAMESISM 69: When a woman takes your dick out of her mouth and asks you if it's the best you've ever had...no matter the truth...the answer is always yes.
Jamesism 70: Filling a gas can with water, pouring it over a friends car and throwing a match on it seems more amusing to you than the friend...or alas...the police.
JAMESISM 71: If the cops would just let you keep your cellphone you wouldn't need their stupid phone for your one call...and what if no one picks up? Your fucked...and
you haven't even dropped the soap yet!
JAMESISM 72:The best thing communism ever gave us was that splotchy thing on Gorbachev's head and the Ak-47
JAMESISM 73: What kind of god make driving and watching a cute girl jog down the sidewalk so damned hard?
JAMESISM 74: .the mere fact that I am single shows how inferior women are! If I were gay there would be a man all up on this! stupid women
JAMESISM 75: I don't understand why you can't compliment a woman by saying "nice tits". If I had half my dick hanging out and a woman said "hey nice cock" I'd say
thanks and move on, feeling complimented...
JAMESISM 76:To bad we can't knock bitches over the head and drag them to our cave anymore...stupid civilization...
JAMESISM 77:my pool of friends with benefits is now seemingly a stagnant puddle.
JAMESISM 78: Is it racist to say "this place smells like 2 Indians having sex"
Jamesism 79: Hey Thailand, I can Bangkok with the best if 'em
JAMESISM 80: I just wrote out my "plan for success", it is a 5 step plan. Step 5 is "bitches!"
JAMESISM 81: I love it when a plan comes together...I just dont like it when I have no idea how to implement that plan.
JAMESISM 82: SEXUAL HARASSMENT FUN TIME: If your not having fun then you should get that dildo out your ass, and have a laugh.
JAMESISM 83: I gotta big helping of "shut the fuck up" just for you, with a side order of piping hot "Who the fuck cares".
JAMESISM 84: mmmm, can you smell what the JAMES is cooking? Fuck...it's whats for dinner!
JAMESISM 85: You know when some one gives you a lawsuit and they say "you've been served", well they NEVER find it amusing when you start dancing!!!
JAMESISM 86: 2% milk...if it's 2% milk what the hell is the other 98%?
JAMESISM 87: Sometimes it is SO hard not to be offensive...but I try...I really do... sometimes..
JAMESISM 88: why do people continue to warn me "your going to hell, you know that right"? No shit...duh!
JAMESISM 89: when someone describes another person as "good folk" or "good people" rest assured they are just as redneck and racist as the person you are already
talking to.
JAMESISM 91: If a vampire is undead...can it produce sperm and ejaculate? I mean there is a lot of sex in vampire movies...
JAMESISM 92: Whats the first thing your going to loot this evening?
JAMESISM 93: When you date a really hot girl take lots of pictures so you can prove it later.
JAMESISM 94: netantahoo is a fun word to say wheb you bare drunk
JAMESISM 95: how did i baco,e this dsrunk?
JAMESISM 96: There is a difference between typos and stupid.
JAMESISM 97: ...Maybe she has a sense of humor? Nah, I dont think so. Girls dont really have those.
JAMESISM 98: She is probably a terrorist anyway looking to recruit me for jihad or some shit.
JAMESISM 99: Need a FATHERS DAY present? How about a time machine and a box of condoms?
JAMESISM 100: Ladies, I just got my unemployment check and a bag of condoms who want to party!!!
JAMESISM 101: (on the Eagles "Hotel California") ...there was a strip club that I went to and there was this un-interesting middle aged Italian chick who would dance
to it, she would use it as her second song and the DJ would always rewind the song and play it again so I had to sit and wait for someone else to dance that I was
interested in and have to listen to Hotel California like 1 3/4 times! Now it makes me think of her middle aged skinny b cups.
JAMESISM 102: Who came first, the chicken or the egg? Pretty sure the Rooster came first!
JAMESISM 103: dont count the chicken until the egg hatches and dont count the booty until you've tapped it
JAMESISM 104: I can drive better ASLEEP then most people can awake!
JAMESISM 105: every terrorist needs a human shield!
JAMESISM 106: FATHERS DAY:
Did someone bang your mom give or take 9 months before you were born? Did that man smack your ass when you fucked up? Did he work really hard, and miss all your
softball games to put macaroni and cheese on your plate you whinny little bitch? Then buy that fucking bastard a tie! Or some Aqua Velva from Sam's Club!
JAMESISM 107: ("Don't stop! I'm almost there!") To late baby, DONE!
JAMESISM 108: "Asalamu Alaykum"? Well, ass llamas to you too.
JAMESISM 109: Thanks Dad for jizzing in my moms cooch, YOU sick BASTARD! That's my MOM!!!
JAMESISM 110: if people spent as much time bettering theirselves as they do making bongs and coming up with new smileys the world would be a better place
JAMESISM 111: you cant get blood from a turnip and you cant get money from a James, just ask Bank of America.
JAMESISM 112: Enjoy the pussy while it lasts
JAMESISM 113: I just want to win the lottery, take a crap on the steps of the management office and have a truck of monkeys move my stuff to my house bought with
lottery winnings. by truck of monkeys I mean actual monkeys...
trained moving monkeys...who will fling poo at my former neighbors!
JAMESISM 114: Tits trump name tags.
JAMESISM 115: Would it be inappropriate to call ahead and ask if the "cute thick white girl with the boobs is there?" from now on?
JAMESISM 116: Points? I got so many points I'm like a god damned ninja throwing star!
JAMESISM 117: WANTED: Meaningful over night relationship. I want to do dirty things to you (and vice versa) and when we're done I want you to not annoy the piss out of
me. Long term potential for those who are not overly needy, clingy, or naggy. Inquire within.
JAMESISM 118: where the fucking fuck of fucking mastersons fuck...
JAMESISM 119: "Hes' not black, hes is half black. He's Obama black!"
JAMESISM 120: There is a movie out right now about giant robots from space that turn into vehicles. There is another movie where a guys boss is Jennifer Anniston, and
he is pissed off about being sexually harassed...which one do you think is more believable?
JAMESISM 121: If your going to wear semi-loose easily stretchy shorts to the store after working out perhaps you should not stare at the check out girls
breasts....boing...
JAMESISM 122: OJ's glove did not fit, so we had to acquit. The babies neck Casey did not slit, so don't have a fit!
JAMESISM 123: maybe by the time she is old enough to play people will care about female sports other than jello wrestling
JAMESISM 124: There are 2 kinds of stupid people in the world. Those who are stupider than you think, and those that are smarter than you think. Never underestimate a
stupid person, and never over estimate them either.
JAMESISM 125: You know when a girl smiles and there is like an inch long gap of gum between her teeth and her upper lip...am I the only guy who finds that to be a
giant fucking turn off? I mean fucking gross...if your like that...just fucking stop smiling. I am serious.
JAMESISM 126: Corporal Punishment? I am promoting this ass whooping to a Sergeant!
JAMESISM 127: Fat Girls - boobs = sad
JAMESISM 128: Bullies love Bullying until they are the ones that get Bullied...heed this as your call to Bully a Bullier.
JAMESISM 129: The clitoris is the most sensitive part of the human body. But a PUSSY is the most sensitive thing in the universe.
JAMESISM 130: Shut the fuck up and welcome to poverty!
JAMESISM 131: Do not covet thy neighbors wife. But feel free to wack off to pictures of her in the dark.
JAMESISM 132: That little piece of road that you use to get onto the interstate is called a merge lane. You use it to merge into traffic, meaning you match the steed
of traffic and blend in seamlessly. You do not put-put down it and attempt to merge into traffic that is going 65, while you are going 45...YOU DUMB MOTHER
FUCKERS!!!!!!!!!
JAMESISM 133: Under ideal situations would you do it with a zombie? After careful consideration I am going with YES. If it was Kat Dennings/Salma Hayek (or an
equivalent) they had just turned and were not violent, I am tapping that shit.
JAMESISM 134: (GRASS HOPPER SAY:)
Man who sleeps with you at night but not respect you in morning does not respect himself.
JAMESISM 135: Today began with me declaring "Today I am going to do something. I don't know what that something is, but I am going to do it". The evening ended with
getting a lap dance from a stripper names Peaches. "Something" accomplished!
JAMESISM 136: If you've come to me seeking positive reinforcement...you've come to the wrong fucking place.
JAMESISM 137: For years women have been judging men for loving Star Wars. Well now we are judging you for watching that Twilight shit...so just get over it!
JAMESISM 138: Do your job. Do it well. Dont be a bitch.
JAMESISM 139: My ass feels like Al Quida flew a plane into it.
JAMESISM 140: You know that scene in Titanic when the ship goes down, and it makes that sound, WHAAH-UNNNN-ASHHHHH...Well that is the sound my stomach is making.
JAMESISM 141: for LSU that is getting bent over in the woods and made to squeel like a pig!
JAMESISM 142: You have to help the less mentally fortunate.
JAMESISM 143: WTF moments:That's what I'm here for.
JAMESISM 144: The bigger the pick up the bigger the dumb ass.
JAMESISM 145: The shart. Mankind's bain of existence!
JAMESISM 146: That awkward moment when you look at someone picture that you used to date and think "I used to hit that".
JAMESISM 147: (on fantasy football) No thanks if it doesn't involve strippers it is no fantasy of mine.
JAMESISM 148:
JAMESISM 149:
JAMESISM 232: Women say they don't like liars. But when you tell the truth, they call you an asshole. They say they don't like assholes; but they really do. And last
night I heard that the Vagina is a self cleaning oven. Well, if I'm a pig who's oven can I stick my ham in?
Jamesism 235: It is sad when you think of someone fondly and realize they are dead now. It is even worse when you think of someone you didn't like and realize they are
still alive.
Jamesism 236: (regarding the movie Tron)I just watched and it was short of 2 hrs of my life better spent getting cancer
Jamesism 237: no matter how hot a girl is if you want to beat her with a blunt object every time she talks...not a good thing
JAMESISM 261: Whoever said "nothing ventured nothing gained" obviously never got the taste slapped out his mouth in the club.
JAMESISM 444: Having sex with someone else is almost always better than having sex with yourself.
JAMESISM 446: facebook James should not be confused with professional James!
JAMESISM 447: my protein shake brings all the girls to the yard!
Jamesism 456: Man, Woman, or Goat, I don't care. If you fuck it, it's cheating.
JAMESISM 469: They say that the camera adds 10 pounds. But the special cameras that single women on dating websites use subtract (AT LEAST) 25 pounds and 5 years.
JAMESISM 470: I am pretty sure that if I had enough money I would put a prostitute on retainer
JAMESISM 613: Not dating people you work with is stupid. Where else are you going to meet someone? There are 2 reasons not to bang a coworker. Every day I go to work I
look and I think to myslef...Can I hit that?
1)You suck at sex...lets be honest...if your a girl it is hard to be bad at sex, honestly all you have to do is sit there and take it and your atleast OK. You have to
work at being bad at sex.
2)You have a small dick.
JAMESISM 661: "Can I put my wiener between your buns" is not an acceptible come on line to use on a girl at a hot dog stand...or is it?
JAMESISM 691: Women are all for you spicing it up in the bedroom; up until you pull out the Habanero pepper.
JAMESISM 692: If Dick is short for Richard then I am calling it my Richard from now on.
JAMESISM 693: if someone is pissed off and talking about murdering people you don't want to further piss them off and get on their murdering list...a thought to LIVE
by
JAMESISM 694: No good ever came from loaning a gun to an angry person.
JAMESISM 700: That tastes like ass and I don't want to taste it anymore.
JAMESISM 701: Why is it Ok to go into a bathroom stall and urinate or even take a shit...but NOT to wack off
JAMESISM 702: What is the best thing about oral sex? They can't talk when your dick is in their mouth!
JAMESISM 703: Science isn't wrong, only scientists
JAMESISM 704: God isn't wrong only creationists
JAMESISM 705: If they won't tell you the price it is too much
JAMESISM 706: Why are the Irish so good at gay oral sex? They're GALLIC!!! (gay lick...get it?)
JAMESISM 707: Can you tell me what they call a pack of cigarettes in England? NO! They call them cigarrettes you homophobic bastard!
JAMESISM 708: If a pack of cigarettes are called fags is one cigarette a faggot?
JAMESISM 830: the truth shall set you free. And make you want to punch a motherfucker too.
JAMESISM 850: Women. You can't live with them, you can't live with out them...you can't murder them....hmmmmmmm....
JAMESISM 851: There is nothing you can do to MAKE a woman love you. The best you can hope for is to be yourself and hope she isn't a bitch.
JAMESISM 852: You know how your supposed to call previous sex partners when you get an STD...well girls don't find it funny when you do that as a joke.
JAMESISM 853: This is an afront to god...which god? EVERY GOD!!!
JAMESISM 854: The best thing a woman can do to forget a man is to drown herself...in the cum of another man!
JAMESISM 855: Oh I am down with pleasure, baby...I just don't want to stick my tongue in the tuna can.
JAMESISM 860: If your secure with your own sexuality, your secure with someone else's.
JAMESISM 861: To much time wasted dreaming of the future neglects the present. Without working on your present there will be no future worth dreaming of.
Jamesism 862: Girls...do you have low self esteem? Post a picture of yourself scantily clad and wait to see how many of your male moron friends post stupid
comments...jesus guys...have respect for yourselves...know when your being used.
JAMESISM 901: sometimes it's nice to hear things you already know
JAMESISM 902: Sometimes it's nice to get drunk so you can do the things you dont want to do when you are sober...
JAMESISM 935: Ahhhhhhhhh....peeing like a civilized man...in a urinal!
JAMESISM 960: Hanging Mistletoe from your belt buckle never, ever, EVER works...dammit!
Jamesism 988: WOMEN!!! sometimes were are not talking about YOU! The world dos not revolve around YOU. Men are not always talking about YOU.
Jamesism 989: Theres plenty of bitches in the world...your not the only one.
JAMESISM 990: (in regards to weight loss tv shows)
I think there should be a show where they take skinny bitches and feed them, it can be called gain some weight you scrawny bitch!
JAMESISM 991: IF IT IS A CAPS lock WHY DOES IT SEEM TO COME ON ALL THE DAMNED TIME. tHEY SHOULD CALL IT THE CAPS ANNOYANCE BUTTON
JAMESISM 998: Sometimes you just gotta stand back and ask: "BITCH!!! What tha' fuck is wrong wit'chu?"
JAMESISM 999: "Fuck you duck loving mother fuckers! We're gonna fuck those fucking ducks in their bills"
(I actually just yelled that at the CBS morning news people for all supporting the Ducks against AUBURN...that was a sentence I never really thought I'd utter...)
JAMESISM 1000: I think that if youve stuck your dick in someones mouth more than once then that gives one a familiarity where one should be able to comment on someones life and or sexuality.
